doing nothing

I am working on my dissertation. I do not have a job anymore; writing that beast is my job. I work on it a lot, but there are times when I don't. I take naps during the day sometimes, watch movies on-line, make dinner for my husband, read, think--pretty much do whatever I want to do for the very first time in my whole life.

This time and space are luxuries, permitted to me by undeserved good fortune, that I wish more people could enjoy. I feel guilty a lot about not producing more, not making money, not doing something observable. Lots of people, myself included, are overly concerned with being industrious and I think it's a sickness. I did not realize this until I went away for a really long time. So long that I had to readjust my ways of thinking and doing to accommodate a new people, language, culture. I have become aware of it and now I can see the sickness all around me in this country and in myself. Awareness does not equal cure.

My bouts of severe writers block or periods when I have to wait to take the next step because things are beyond my control have demonstrated to me that doing nothing is great. Not the kind of nothing you do when you have done so much that you do nothing as a result of pure exhaustion, choosing to do nothing. The trick is giving yourself permission to do nothing and then enjoying the nothing with out guilt. I'm still working on that, but I am getting a whole lot closer. Judge me if you want, think I'm lazy, pampered, losing my mind, it's ok. I probably am all of those things, but I'm also very happy that I am learning the art of doing nothing and learning to love it.