gift giving moratorium

Today, the day after I celebrated my 32nd year of life, I have discussed my annual plight in relation to gifts received in recognition of the aforementioned event with several tolerant individuals (many thanks, I KNOW that I'm annoying and self absorbed and need to figure that out--now that I think about it maybe my correct diagnosis would be simply "drama queen"). I feel comforted by the fact that every woman I have discussed this issue with has experienced issues related to gifts with their husbands/boyfriends. This has helped me feel like less of a heartless bitch.

I have the right to not like gifts and not feel wrought with gilt about it. I think I may be evaluating the issue of my guilt in response to my negative reaction to some poor gift choices in a superficial manner. I think the real problem here may not be limited to my very obvious perfectionism and pickiness. As with many issues, the deeper problem is the PATRIARCHY. I, like many women, got the message that I needed to be pleasing and to make everyone else happy and comfortable even to my own detriment. It is true that I need to work on communicating more clearly what my wants and needs are so that the chances of them being met are increased. At the same time I need to feel more justified in stating without guilt how I feel about things (including gifts). If I don't like something, I don't the end (absence of guilt, dilemma, worry, dismay). I seem to think that the other person's feelings are somehow more important than my own, which leads me down the dangerous (and not ultimately successful) path of deception (lying, practicing my fake "I love it!" smile, crafty evasion of conversations relating to the gift). When I as a gift giver give someone a gift I must ask, is it about me feeling good about myself or that person's happiness?---The obvious and logical answer is that the objective in this exchange is the receiver's happiness--- if they don't like my gift my desire would be for them to get something they DO want and NOT to lie to me and keep something that does not achieve the objective. So my guilt and anguish as a gift receiver is counter logic. Maybe this means that I have to enact a gift giving moratorium. I think I as a woman need to see that my guilt and anguish stem at least in part from my assumption that I need to make other people feel good and happy even if it costs me my own happiness. This lunacy must stop.